Free Range Roaches

I am now back to what passes for life in Los Angeles California.  It seems like only yesterday (it was a week ago), that I was squatting over a hole with volcanic, explosive diarrhea in Khantaralak Thailand.  The hole I speak of is known as an Issan Toilet, which is right next to the Issan shower.  Issan being the very rural Eastern part of Thailand where the love of my life happens to live.  Her name is not important as she has many nicknames-- "Look Ling" being my favorite for her as it means little monkey...because that's what she is...in every way....except that she's really quite beautiful.
After my third trip to Thailand this year, and coming home with ridiculous stories about fights, sicknesses, jungle treks, and just about every other thing that can go wrong on a vacation, I decided, after the prompting of my friends, to start this blog.

I make no claims to being an explorer.  I don't wear a safari vest, a pith helmet, or have any claims to great discoveries.  Quite the contrary...I am a borderline retarded traveler who is a magnet for assholes and bad luck.  I don't want this blog to seem like "Heart of Darkness".  It's not.  Nothing in my life is that noble.  I don't cut through the jungle with a machete to reveal the temple of the monkey king, or other such swashbuckling bullshit.  Instead, I stumble over the broken terrain with a bad hip, a bad shoulder, all the while trying to fend off the mosquitoes from eating me alive.

Folklorists use a word called "Ostension" to describe the acting out of the mythic hero script (thank you Andrienne Mayor for the term).  This could be either the Pontic king Mithradates acting out the life of Hercules, thereby becoming Hercules, or it could be your average douchebag boxer, acting out the Rocky movies in order to become Rocky in reality.

I have no mythic hero script.  Nothing that I have done is heroic or mythic.  Simply put...my vacations are an exercise in futility.  I often look up to the sky and repeat the cliche' "Not this shit again"...it's a staple of Hollywood movies, which is good enough for me.  If I ever think of something more original I will use that as my mantra.

I kept a diary throughout my travels.  Being that most places I go to don't have internet, I have to write this down now.  I will not embellish anything in this blog.  I will simply write through the perception I had of events at the time I wrote them down.  The title of this blog is myfuckedupvacations (originally).  I hope my contribution to travel writing will simply be a as a cautionary tale to those who travel with their head in the clouds.  Yes! This could happen to you!  If it doesn't, then may the Gods continue to feed you honey.

This is my intro....now I have to go to work.  Rather, I have to go to work so I can make money to send to my little Third World darling, so she can finally buy a real fucking toilet for the next time I go.